The Vagina and Its’ Natural Enemies
Whether it is by design, or the slow natural progression of point mutations and adaptation, the vagina has developed natural enemies whose goal is simple: to prey upon and ultimately conquer the vagina. After years of observation—the extent of which rivals the ethnographic studies of the Yanomamo of the Brazilian rain forest—I am happy to report that a conclusive list of the natural enemies of the vagina has been created, the publication of which I hope, nay pray, will inform, and through that information, prepare women everywhere to meet the threats head-on.
THE VENUS FLYTRAP (ALSO KNOWN AS THE CHAMELEON)
Beautiful on the surface, deadly on the inside—this most nefarious of the natural predators, while readily identifiable to any man, is often overlooked and underestimated by women until it is too late. The Venus Flytrap, or VFT, is the guy that claims he just wants to be a woman’s ‘friend’. They are often the “best listeners” and emotional support. Their effeminate characteristics often mislead women into believing that the VFT is that homosexual friend that every woman wants, but who has not yet come to terms with their secret lusts. (See, “Sex in the City,” Seasons 1-6, HBO 1998-2004).
Though men, especially boyfriends, will often try to warn women of the bloodlust of these vile creatures, the male’s pleas are ignored and, as if to add insult to injury, the concerned male is often mislabeled as a misogynist (see “The Silverback” below). Patient masters of disguise, the VFT will spend years, and sometimes decades, in silent, almost perfect preparedness, waiting for that one moment—that single heaven sent moment of weakness and vulnerability that exposes the vagina, and, sadly, dooms the friendship. The victim’s husk is discarded, soulless and afraid of intimacy. More noble males are often ignored and despised due to the offenses committed by these “weak gamed” losers.
THE NOCTURNAL
By day this predator dons the tame musings of the “Average Joe.” Unassuming and often ignored, they play the nice guy. Quiet and plain, there is nothing here to signal women of the dangerous beast that may lurk underneath… At night, when the all-seeing gaze of the Sun is gone, replaced by the more tolerant moon and complicit stars, the Nocturnal emerges.
He immediately sheds the button down shirt and khakis, replacing them with more trendy fare, complete with thick leather band watch (ala Diesel), silver jewelry, and the ubiquitous equipment of every “bad boy,” nighttime sunglasses—these say its dark… too dark for sunglasses, but fu*k you, I’m too cool to take them off. Often they have a harem of women that accompany them on their nighttime hunts; adding to the almost hypnotic allure they exude. This predator’s death stroke does not occur, and may in fact never occur, unless, and until, a co-worker, classmate, or other daytime female acquaintance “bumps into them” at a club, lounge, or restaurant. At that moment, the “safe guy” is transformed into the “bad boy,” and women, the masters of curious kitties cannot resist the desire to know: “is he really bad?”
The search for the answer to that question ensnares the vagina and, ultimately, leads to years of awkward daytime lust, or worse yet, a slot in the nighttime harem that will, inevitably, lure another vagina to its demise.
THE PARASITE
While not as offensive as the VFT, the Parasite is only slightly less revulsive to the senses. The Parasite will actively seek weak women searching for love and security, feign strength and passion, and then, tragically, embed himself in the woman’s life, often depleting not only vitality, but also currency.
This beast often assumes the character of a rocker, surfer, intellectual, or injured soul, but they are nothing, nothing, if not the pseudo personification of the aforementioned personality types. The poor female will embrace what she perceives as a blessing from God, inviting this disease into her life. She will give him a home (her home), love (her love), money (her money), and vagina (her vagina). Yes, the Parasite will settle in and slowly absorb everything that makes the woman who she is. His spell is so powerful, that often, even the female’s friends will be unable to rip this foul being from her life.
In the end, the victim of the Parasite will be consumed, body and soul. The result is a dejected, lonely (her friends are gone), and scarred woman. Sadly, when they finally meet the one they were searching for all along, they are unable to accept sincere love, and fall away, searching again for a Parasite—hoping that the next Parasite will transform himself for them and justify the years and spirit that was discarded with the last one(s).
THE SILVERBACK
Strong and virile these naturally territorial predators control and dominate the female(s) they possess. To the Silverback the vagina is a commodity, not an entity. He will, if unchecked, slowly fence in the female in a vain and ultimately fruitless attempt to isolate and protect the vagina from other men.
While outwardly strong and secure, the inside of this predator is weak and pathetic. He will abuse (mentally and physically) the female(s) he has possession of. Their love and fidelity ignored, the paranoid delusions of the Silverback—often reflections of his own psyche—fuel his desire to completely control every waking moment (and sometimes the dreams ) of the female.
Chaotic and self-destructive the Silverback will, like a bowl of diarrhea, eventually consume himself (yes, I know it’s actually bacteria and not the diarrhea itself that is consuming the diarrhea; it’s called poetic license… look into it), and, in doing so, annihilate any vagina(s) misfortunate enough to be in the vicinity when he does. (See, almost every episode of COPS, March 11, 1989 – Present, Fox; see also generally, the many many police chases broadcast by LA’s own KCAL 9 TV).
THE BOA CONSTRICTOR
Isolated and alone, this predator lays in silent ambush awaiting that unsuspecting female that will wander beneath the branches of his lair. The Boa Constrictor, or BC, is that guy for whom every waking moment of his girlfriend’s life must be completely devoted to him, and, unfortunately, visa versa. Slowly, almost sensually, the BC will begin to embrace the female—his insecurity slowly tightening his grip.
At first, the attention and kindness heaped upon the female is flattering and desirable, but slowly, that “good thing” becomes too much… Phone calls, text messages, and emails, volleyed at the female with Uzi-like frequency all profess love and adoration. “Just wanted to say I luv u. ;-x,” “I miss u like the desert misses the rain,” and “I’m going to tell you that I miss u every 5 minutes today,” are just a few of the legion of samples I have unearthed in my studies. While many of the same behaviors in reasonable moderation are endearing, the BC takes things a hair too far.
All the BC’s frenetic behavior is aimed at just one goal, to keep the vagina so occupied that it has not even one moment to realize that it is being smothered. Too late the vagina realizes its peril—the last words it hears before its’ life is snuffed out in the grip of a meaningless and lopsided marriage is “I do and will forever…”
It is my sincere hope that the knowledge communicated in this article will grant the reader the wisdom to recognize the many dangers that stalk the vagina. They say that “knowledge is power”… so be powerful.
(To the gents, I will be following up with an article entitled “the Penis and its Natural Enemies…” Until then, keep your scrotum clean).
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